i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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