my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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