this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
