Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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