"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
