Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
