We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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