My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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