I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
