The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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