I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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