I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
