btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
