I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
