His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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