If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my being single is dangerous.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
