and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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