Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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