i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
