What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
