Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
