I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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