i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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