I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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