so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
