nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
