WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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