you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
