her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I FOUND THE LEGS
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