I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
try to milk me bitch
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