you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
