My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
