my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
