I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
