I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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