I think I am morally bankrupt
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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