I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
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