I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
