Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
