The maid of honor just puked.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
