I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
