So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
