sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Couch. On fire.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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