I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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