life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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