we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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