my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
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