I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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