yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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