You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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